an expose: dudes that are feeling me.

from time to time even an slser has her off days.  one of those "nobody likes me, i'm ugly, wah wah wahhhh" type of days.  i was experiencing one of these a few weeks ago and in the midst of my toaster struedel/peanut butter/nutella binge i caught a glimpse of my reflection on the microwave and realized that although i had some chocolate smeared across my face, i still looked pretty good.  so i dropped the family size serving spoon and ran over to my handy dandy notebook and compiled a list entitled "dudes that are feeling me."   while i am very tempted to name names and call all you mofos out, i am a lady so i will refrain and give you thinly veiled code names. you can thank me later.

1."the ex coworker guy":  the ex coworker guy is someone i worked with in the past and somehow manages to pop up in my life every once in awhile. he is super sweet, nice, and funny but i've never really felt the urge to rip his clothes off and let him do bad things to me...sober.  if i ever got drunk with him and other man options were looking bleak, it might be a different story though.

2.  "the stalker guy":  i met this guy once or twice and after the initial meeting thought nothing of him again.  apparently, he has been thinking about me because after a recent weekend run in (conversation was 3 minutes tops) he showed up unannounced at my place of business the next week and told my intern he was there to take me to coffee.  thankfully i have a repertoire of well crafted lies at my disposal at a moments notice and a desk big enough to fit under so i dodged a bullet on that one.

3.  "the b school bro":  while we don't share the same love for higher education, we most definitely share the same love of partying.  tt has been saying for awhile that the b school bro and i would make a great couple and although i was skeptical, i wouldn't mind seeing if we would make a great couple in the bedroom at least.  the last time we saw mr. bro, he was chugging tequila out of a bottle...in scrubs...while simultaneously smoking a joint and lifting his scrub top up enough so the entire party could see his abs.

4. "the promoter guy":  i met the promoter guy about 6 months ago at some ridiculous celeb party at seth macfarlane's house.  we've mildly flirted via text but when it comes time to actually do something, in true promoter form, he flakes.  so after about 3 weeks of no word from him i assumed i'd never hear from him again until about 2 weeks ago where i received 4 texts, 2 emails, and a phone call at 6:45 am.  none of these correspondences mentioned doing drugs with jeremy piven so i figured they didn't warrant a response.  although i have a sneaking suspicion the increase in communication attempts has something to do with britney-esque pictures of me recently posted on facebook.


5. "the guy who tried to makeout with me at brunch": this guy was awesome and i knew he was into me after i went to move my car and he told tt "i'm hella into your friend."  after i was privy to this little piece of information i really turned on the charm which included showing him all my bruises and rugburns from a recent sex session, proclaiming love for all things prescribed by a doctor, and dazzling him with my extensive knowledge of indie music.  the day was going great until when it came time to say goodbye he aggressively tried to makeout with me in the middle of a restaurant at 4 pm on a saturday.

so ladies, if you're ever feeling blue i would suggest putting down the pint of ice cream, picking up a pen, and compiling a list of all the dudes that are feeling you.

**editor's note: it has recently come to my attention that b school bro is no longer feeling me...he is feeling his girlfriend.**

i have a dream.

being that this is barge's bachelorette party weekend, i've been thinking a lot about what i would want for my own last hurrah as a slser.  assuming that a) i get married and b) i still have friends by the time that i do, i would like to put in writing, right here right now, what i want and what i do not want for my bachelorette party:

drugs: yes please! i feel the same way about drugs that my mother feels about martinis...the more the merrier.

food: i assume by the time i have a bachelorette party i will be in full on starvation mode in preparation for my upcoming nuptials. plus, when have i ever really wanted to eat?

penis stuff: i don't even like looking at penises in real life, why would i want to surround myself with a bunch of straws, cake, ice cubes etc, shaped like them?

sponsors: i fully expect dudbarn or 3am to throw me this soiree.  if i can't get amend on a mic chanting "a milli a milli a milli" over and over i'm calling the whole thing off.

bride paraphernalia:  and no, i will not be wearing a juicy sweatsuit with a bedazzled"mrs. myhusbandslastname" on my ass. no leis, no tiara's (sorry tt), no feather boas and NO VEILS OF ANY TYPE...it's going to be hard enough to get me in one for the actual day. 

those are pretty much my only real rules. i basically want my bachelorette party to be reminiscent of the "napa takes over rosarito" days where i'm surrounded by a bunch of drunk people who love each other to pieces and are willing to take their clothes off at any time if need be.  unlike rosarito, i would like it if tt can avoid being almost recruited into a world of underground rosaritan strippers and all participants to leave with the teeth in their mouth intact.

hotspots.

it's no surprise that when you're in the sls, you will most definitely take what you can get. not only will you take what you can get, you'll take it wherever you can get it.  for most people our age, long gone are the days of hooking up in wildly inappropriate places because generally we have our own semi grown up apartments where we can bring our conquests.  but lest you forget, we're in the sls and there's a reason for that. 

here's an abbreviated version of the most ridiculous places we've been down to get down:

closet
keg
washing machine
staircase
electrical closet at work
elevator at work
backseat of car
backseat of babeh's mom's car
high school teacher's bed
kid size tents
living room floor (complete with people in the living room, boosch)
lawn
lawnchair
vertigo bathroom (the upstairs one!)
phone booth in rosarito

how to lose a guy in 4 days.

it's become  clear to me that i may just not be the dating type.  despite all of my attempts to act like a lady, be demure, and play it cool i usually just end up drunk, screaming, and asking guys if their name is kevin in a desperate attempt to get him to talk to me.  as much as i would like matthew mcconaughey to ride up on his scooter and pull over my taxi in the middle of the brooklyn bridge, i don't think that's quite in the cards for me.  i'll probably just end up forcing TT to date me forever and make up boyfriends to make ex boyfriends hella jealous (fyi, my fake boyfriends are all really hot, rich and well hung).

now you all may be thinking HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE? YOU'RE LIKE THE HOTTEST, COOLEST, FUNNIEST RASHIDA JONES LOOKALIKE EVER (the jury is still out on whether i have any african american blood in me), and you wouldn't be alone in thinking that.  but i've done a little soul searching recently and the following red flags popped up as to why i'm possibly still single:

- you can take the girl out of picnic day but you can't take picnic day out of the girl:  i lost my vcard on the floor of my friend's house while his roommate was making a sandwich. 'nuff said.

- the only "real" relationship i ever had started at a strip club.  this should have been a precursor to what type of relationship we would have but his good looks won me over.  damn my weakness for jfk jr!

- i prefer lace to any other clothing material out there. honestly, i have at least 6 pieces of lace see through clothing.  now i know there's a lot of things guys want to do to a girl in lace, but date them is probably not one of them.

- the first guy i liked in 7th grade asked me to go steady.  he broke up with me 2 hours later after i refused to hold his hand.  i cant commit and the thought of PDA makes me want to vomit.

- tt: my partner in crime, sister i never had, biggest fan etc.  no guy is ever going to be as witty, funny, or entertaining as she is.

- all i ever want to do is party.  the last time i went on a pseudo date, i took a xanax before (to calm my nerves!), had anywhere between 4-7 drinks (can't remember, whoops!), hooked up in the backseat of an escalade (or something comparable), broke our espresso machine, slammed my head into our table and basically terrorized tt for an hour.  and i didn't remember anything after the backseat hookup until t had to tell me via gchat the next day.

- i write blogs about why i'm undateable.

so there you have it, maybe i'm undatable and maybe i'm destined to be single forever. but you know what?

sorry, i'm not that sorry.

boosch.

for those of you that know me, any ladies of the sls, or any ucla b school bros, chances are at some point you've been privy to our sporadic screaming of the word "boosch" and you may be wondering what exactly is "boosch"? is it a new LA hotspot? is it a new super std? is it one of charlie sheen's new catchphrases?  to answer your question, boosch is a state of mind, much like the SLS.   But unlike the SLS, boosch is applicable to both sexes.

EXAMPLES OF BOOSCHING:

- when you walk into a bar/house party/grocery store and just take shit over, BOOSCH!
- when you get jon hamm to grab your v at an emmy's after party, BOOSCH!
- when you text a guy you just met at a bar "hi my name is _____ and i like to fuck ;)", BOOSCH!
- when you go to a doctor with the sole intention of faking an anxiety disorder to get a xanax prescription and they not only prescribe you xanax, but an antidepressant and a therapy session, BOOSCH!

hope this helps clear up any confusion and special thank you to ucla b school bros for introducing me to the boosch.


ps: i'm back bitches!!!!!!!!!!